


what you see, what i see

by wholeheartedly



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Oneshot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 15:10:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholeheartedly/pseuds/wholeheartedly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>gtop | r, 751w, canon<br/>woe and misfortune, and two fools vainly pursuing that which they can never attain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what you see, what i see

**what you see, what i see**

gtop | r, 751w, canon  
woe and misfortune, and two fools vainly pursuing that which they can never attain.

_she was starin' through the doorframe  
eyeing me down like already a bad boyfriend  
well, she can get her toys outta the drawer then  
'cause i ain't comin' home i don't need that attention, see_  
GEEK IN THE PINK/ **JASON MRAZ**

"get out, you fucking asshole," he says one day, and goes "oh gods hyung, iloveyouiloveyou," the next, sometimes all in the same day, and too often in the same breath. even though it's sort of endearing (because hell, it's so incredibly jiyong), mostly seunghyun's just left in the dust, lingering at jiyong's doorstep and silently musing _oh gods oh why in the world do i even stay._

yet despite the cycle of inevitable rejection, seunghyun keeps coming back for more. he doesn't know why he does- no, scratch that. it's all in jiyong's eyes in the midst of a drunken haze, all in jiyong's wiry limbs, the way they curl firm against his shoulders, all in jiyong's mouth, the way they kiss with their tongues pressed together, the way the corners stretch at either side. not that seunghyun can't be bothered to dwell on the specifics (to lose himself in them), it's just what's the point, when the real thing's there to fawn over in flesh and blood?

at times, seunghyun upholds that he does far too much of the noticing, so much that jiyong doesn't even notice him. no, he doesn't think it's because jiyong isn't as thoroughly enthralled in him, as well. because choi seunghyun quite simply doesn't ever think that seeing is necessarily believing. whatever jiyong says is precisely what he will unceasingly and steadfastly believe.

***

_"hyung,"_ jiyong pants wearily amidst broken, contented moans, "give me more, give me your all."  
seunghyun is, he is, he is. he treads on and on and on, until their throats are raw and they see stars, vaguely aware that the lack of fulfillment jiyong feels doesn't even _concern_ sex.

jiyong cries a lot when it's over at last; seunghyun (all numb feelings and unvoiced confusion) produces a flu mask that's still crumbled inside the plastic.

***

the girlfriend's name is kiko, and she's a supermodel in japan.

"fuck you," seunghyun hisses at jiyong's face the next time they're alone each in the hostel. the younger man merely scoffs in reply, but what truly hurts is that he doesn't even look startled.

"why, what did you expect? that something could actually happen between us?" jiyong snorts a little too loudly, shrugging listlessly. "that's absurd, and you know it."

"just shut the hell up." seunghyun's knuckles are starch white, penetrating eyes narrowed almost to slits.

"fine then," jiyong taunts, "make me, if you can."

and seunghyun's grip is at his neck, jaw fresh-swollen, blue and black and pressed mercilessly against the linoleum.

jiyong blinks, immobile. in the stillness, seunghyun pants roughly, gaze piercing enough to sever wounds within the crooks of jiyong's racing heart.

there is a seemingly perpetual silence before the older one finally speaks up. "why are you doing this, ji?!"

heartbreak, vulnerability, inscrutable grief—these are the raw qualities that burn like acid on seunghyun's tongue. jiyong wants to cry out, _you're choi fucking seunghyun, you can have anyone you want, you're not supposed to sound like that._

instead, jiyong bites his lower lip and glances over his shoulder. "what are you talking about? what we had meant _nothing_ , okay? you're a fool for pursuing me, when you know perfectly well that it couldn't become—"

then seunghyun _hits_ him. it's not a slap but a hard blow, that sends his head spinning and renders his consciousness dim.

"you bastard," he snarls, as jiyong stares back in unabashed horror. "don't try and pretend to be the victim here. i know you led me on, know you had more in mind all those nights. you're jiyong, goddamn it, our jiyong, you're too romantic to give yourself out just for pleasure. what, six years now and you think i don't know you? and you're a liar for proclaiming that what we had was nothing, when in fact it was _everything-"_

by now, seunghyun is half-hysterical, all tear trails slicked down his chiseled nose. jiyong wants to look away because this is all wrong, this is an injustice and a monstrosity, because hyung _can't_ be the one to cry. _can't_ be the one lying to himself to sustain some tainted fantasy, can't be the one forsaken to drown in misery. _hell, that's my job, or did you forget that?_

it takes incredible self-restraint not to throw himself in seunghyun's arms and plead for forgiveness. not to slink into the crevices of his legs, to lose himself again as if tonight was a night like any other.

but if not tonight, then another—thus, jiyong backs away and runs far, far, far from the world which he has left behind.


End file.
